19 people you’ll meet at every golf club

1 The On-Course Expert

Seems to know ‘where you’re going wrong’ and that the best time to impart their wisdom is in the middle of your round

2 The Brand Enthusiast

Only plays and/or wears one particular brand’s gear. Has most likely started to actually believe he has a contract.

3 The Steady Eddie

Never misses a fairway, never misses a green, never misses a putt, needs a bigger mantelpiece.

4 The Fashion Victim

Thinks a red jersey, orange polo shirt, blue trousers and green shoes all complement one another perfectly.

5 The Bandit

Claims to play off 12; annoys everyone when he scores 49 points to win the monthly Stableford… by ten.

6 The Would-Be Designer

Can’t complete a hole without recommending a bunker here, a pond there, thicker rough down the right, re-shaping the green etc.

7 The Wedge Chucker

Prone to rotor-blading – or, in some cases, tomahawking – their clubs after one too many greenside duffs.

8 The Excuse Maker

Likely to say: ‘The wind caught that one’; ‘The lie wasn’t the best’; ‘This rangefinder must be broken’; ‘The greens are inconsistent’.

9 The Ambassador

Wears his club jumper everywhere he goes: the course, the clubhouse, the AGM, the pub, Christmas parties, weddings, funerals, bar mitzvahs, fireworks displays…

10 The Wonderkid

The teenage sensation who is a ‘dead cert’ to win the Open one day; answers to ‘Tiger’.

11 The Rules Stickler

Forever consulting his copy of the Rules of Golf, which is immaculately preserved in a leather cover in his golf bag.

12 The Hapless Marker

Most likely to ask: ‘Was that a five you got there?’, ‘Is this a par-3?’ and ‘Which hole is this?’

13 The ‘NR’ Machine

Tees off with great expectations; rips up his card before the turn.

14 The Committee Baiter

Loves nothing more than chewing the ears off the committee – but occupy a position of responsibility themselves? Yeah, very good.

15 The Weather Vane

Can predict a hailstorm a mille away, is able give you wind speeds in your choice of ‘miles per hour’ or ‘clubs’, and always knows when it’s going to rain.

16 The Sunblock Resistor

Walks onto the first tee on a gloriously sunny day as white as snow; walks off the 18th green four hours later with a face like a tomato.

17 The Bag-Rattler

Has a bad habit of messing around and looking for something in their bag when it’s their turn to hit.

18 The Impatient Veteran

Usually seen standing with their hands on their hips, glaring at the slow-moving group ahead of them to try and hurry them along. Likely to have high blood pressure.

19 The Chatterbox

Constantly talking between shots – and usually about nothing in particular. As a consequence, just like The Bag-Rattler, is never ready to hit when it’s their turn.