1. “Did you see how much the wind caught that?”
Nope, but I saw how much you sliced it.
2. “I’m going to practice a lot more this year.”
Or, as is more likely, volunteer to re-paint every room in the house to have an excuse for not going to the range.
3. “I used to be really good when I was a kid.”
4. “I think I caught that a bit heavy.”
The giant divot would suggest you duffed it.
5. “That came out so hot.”
…because you thinned it.
6. “I really like shaping the ball.”
7. "Never saw that much break in it."
That's because you can't putt.
8. "How's my game? So-so."
Read: “I'm in the form of my life.”
9. “This new driver has got me hitting it 30 yards further.”
10. “I’m not really that bothered about keeping score at this stage.”
Read: “I’m absolutely, completely and utterly desperate to break 80.”
11. “The sand in this bunker is a bit funny.”
The only thing funny is that you’ve had five swipes and you’re still in there.
12. “My swing feels a bit off today.”
13. “I knew that was going to be bad before I even hit it.”
Read: “I looked up expecting to see my ball gliding up majestically through the air, so imagine my surprise when I saw it dribble pathetically off the tee.”
14. “I’m working on some tweaks to my swing.”
‘Tweaks’. That’s a funny word for ‘complete overhaul’.
15. “What did I have on the last hole? No idea. Put me down for a seven.”
16. “I think I might have been getting a stroke there.”
Read: “I know for a fact I was stroking there, so I think you’ll find it was a half.”
17. “Stableford? Yeah, I know all about Stableford.”
* Frantically Googles: ‘What is a Stableford?’ *
18. “Of course, if I had a Strokesaver, I’d never have gone near there.”
19. “The noise of that dog barking put me off my shot.”
Nobody else heard a dog barking...
20. “I don’t think it went as far in as those bushes.”
Read: “I know fine well it went in there but let’s all pretend it didn’t, okay?”
21. “I didn’t have time to warm-up.”
22. “Headcovers? I find them a bit of a hassle.”
Read: “Headcovers? I lost them all.”
23. “That was just a practice swing.”
Sure it was, mate. Sure it was.
24. “I think I’m ready to step up to blades now.”
You wish you were ready to step up to blades now.
Have we missed any out?
Leave your thoughts on any more great lies that bad golfers tell in our ‘Comments’ section below.